André in Zuid-Afrika
|
How many dogs does it take to change a lightbulb?
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
Rottweiler: Make me.
Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
Chihuahua: "We don't need no stinking light bulb."
AND HOW MANY CATS DOES IT TAKE?
Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is:
"How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"
ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF!
|
Pauline
|
|
Walker
|
Now you made me want to get a dog! Probably a Golden Retriever, or possibly a German Shepherd.
|
Pauline
|
Re: How many dogs does it take to change a lightbulb?
Some months ago, my parents told me that I will get a dog, but until now I didn't!!! So I will take this one!!! 
|
André in Zuid-Afrika
|
What is a Dog?
Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
They growl when they are not happy.
When you want to play, they want to play.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They leave their toys everywhere.
They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
They go right for your crotch as soon as they meet you.
CONCLUSION: They're tiny men in little fur coats.
What is a Cat?
Cats do what they want.
They rarely listen to you.
They're totally unpredictable.
When you want to play, they want to be alone.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They expect you to cater to their every whim.
They're moody.
They leave hair everywhere.
CONCLUSION: They're tiny women in little fur coats.
|
Uriel
|
Dog's Prayer:
If I'm really good, will I get my balls back in heaven?
Things I Must Remember As A Dog:
The garbage man is not stealing our stuff.
I do not need to suddenly stand up when lying under the coffee table.
I must shake rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
I will not eat the cats' food, either before they eat it or after they throw it up.
I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I'm about to get sick.
I will not throw up in the car.
I will not roll in dead sea gulls, fish, or turds just because I like how they smell.
"Kitty box crunchies," although they are tasty, are not food.
I will not eat Kleenex, napkins or plastic wrap and then redeposit them on the front lawn.
The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
I will not chew crayons or pens, especial not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
When in the car, I will not insist on having the window down when its raining.
I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard with it.
The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom and Dad's laps.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for mom's driver's license.
I will not play tug-of-war with dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
I will not eat mint-flavored dental floss out of the bathroom garbage and therefore avoid having string hanging out of my butt.
I will not use "Roll around in the dirt." as an option after just getting a bath.
Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying hello.
I will not hump any person's leg just because I thought it was the right thing to do.
I will not fart in my owner's face while sleeping on the pillow next to their head.
I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.
The toilet bowl is not a never-ending water supply and just because it's blue does not mean it is cleaner.
I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over.
Suddenly turning around and smelling my butt can quickly clear a room.
I will not leave my bone where Dad will step on it in the middle of the night when he goes to the bathroom.
The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
|
André in Zuid-Afrika
|
"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem."
-- Edward Abbey
"The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue."
--Anonymous
"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear."
-- Dave Barry
"Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the next yard."
--Dave Barry
"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down."
-- Robert Benchley
"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself."
-- Josh Billings
"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him."
-- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan
"Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of the most fond memories!"
-- Dr. Tom Cat
"You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets."
-- Nora Ephron
"We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made"
--M. Facklam
"Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate."
--Sigmund Freud
"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
-- Robert A. Heinlein
"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies."
-- Gene Hill
"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs."
-- Aldous Huxley
"Man is a dog's idea of what God should be."
-- Holbrook Jackson
"Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog."
--Franklin P. Jones
"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful."
-- Ann Landers
"No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
-- Fran Lebowitz
"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
-- Groucho Marx
"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does."
-- Christopher Morley
"I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl."
--Penny Ward Moser
"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
-- Sue Murphy
"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went."
--Will Rogers
"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person."
--Andrew A. Rooney
"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."
-- Rita Rudner
"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves."
-- August Strindberg
"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons."
-- James Thurber
"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man."
-- Mark Twain
"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul - chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!"
-- Anne Tyler
"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money."
--Joe Weinstein
"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
-- Ben Williams
"Cat's motto No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it."
-- Unknown
"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion."
-- Unknown
"If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise."
--Unknown
"In dog years, I'm dead."
-- Unknown
"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail."
-- Unknown
"Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant."
-- Unknown
"Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane."
-- Unknown
|
Elaine
|
Dogs of Beverly Hills:
|
|
|
|