I have a problem, and I need advice.
About four months ago I met a guy in the town where I now live. Initially, I thought he's a nice guy, but that was it, I wasn't interested, not even in becoming friends with him. However, as time passed, I got to know him a lot better, and in the past few days have realised that, much to my own surprise, I'm falling in love with him.
The problem is, he's engaged (to a woman), and insists he's straight.
Yet... last night he took me to a club outside of town. We spent some time there, and as we were driving back, he put his hand on my leg and kept it there all the way back.
Earlier last night, while we were still at the club, his girlfriend turned up. She sat between us. His arm was resting on her leg, in such a way that his hand was on my leg.
On Thursday night (my birthday), we spent some time together late afternoon. Eventually I told him I had to leave, as I had been invited for drinks with some friends for my birthday. At his insistence, I agreed to return later in the evening. I was gone for 10 minutes, when he phoned me to ask whether I was going to return. I assured him I was. Half an hour later he phoned again....
When I was away recently for a week, he phoned me every day.
And so it goes on.
Now what do I do? I have feelings for him, yet I don't want to destroy his relationship with his girlfriend (whom I like). He insists he's straight, but I'm not so sure...
greg in noord-frankrijk
Well, happy birthday, André !
If you don't want to interfere in the guy's affair with the girl, just dump him.
If you have feelings for him, it means you're not furiously in love. Again, dump.
If he says he's straight and yet is attracted to you, it means you're going to be the bench test for his future/shortlived bi/homo-sexuality. Dump.
Elaine
Darlin', that man wants to have his cake and eat it too. Insists that he's straight my ass! Obviously, he has some hang-ups about being gay, and you know perfectly well that guys like that aren't boyfriend material. Just run for the hills and don't look back.
Now, if you still don't heed my advice and end up playing sancho anyway (and for that, the guy's going to have to be incredibly rich, cute, and/or packing! ), that's your choice. Just remember that there's another person involved, and someone’s liable to get hurt.
Uriel
That's called living the down-low lifestyle, and you definitely don't want to get involved in that!
Cheaters are usually charmers -- that's how they get the job done. You can play with them, but don't fall in love....
André in Zuid-Afrika
Yeh yeh, all of you are right.
Well, things have been sorted out. My feelings are under control, and I've made it clear to him that I have no intention of having anything more than friendship with him. I also had a long conversation with his girlfriend, and everything's sorted out there as well.
It's actually one hell of a complicated situation. I'm also friends with his stepbrother, and they're not on speaking terms, haven't been for years...
How do I land myself in these situations?
Walker
André in Zuid-Afrika wrote:
Yeh yeh, all of you are right.
Well, things have been sorted out. My feelings are under control, and I've made it clear to him that I have no intention of having anything more than friendship with him. I also had a long conversation with his girlfriend, and everything's sorted out there as well.
It's actually one hell of a complicated situation. I'm also friends with his stepbrother, and they're not on speaking terms, haven't been for years...
You did the right thing.
André in Zuid-Afrika wrote:
How do I land myself in these situations?
I guess people can't resist you whether they are already in a relationship or not.
André in Zuid-Afrika
Walker wrote:
André in Zuid-Afrika wrote:
Yeh yeh, all of you are right.
Well, things have been sorted out. My feelings are under control, and I've made it clear to him that I have no intention of having anything more than friendship with him. I also had a long conversation with his girlfriend, and everything's sorted out there as well.
It's actually one hell of a complicated situation. I'm also friends with his stepbrother, and they're not on speaking terms, haven't been for years...
You did the right thing.
André in Zuid-Afrika wrote:
How do I land myself in these situations?
I guess people can't resist you whether they are already in a relationship or not.
Elaine
André in Zuid-Afrika wrote:
I also had a long conversation with his girlfriend, and everything's sorted out there as well.
Did you tell her that her fiancé was hitting on you?
Quote:
My feelings are under control, and I've made it clear to him that I have no intention of having anything more than friendship with him.
I've told guys that before, but they never listen. A little bit of liquor and they forget their manners.
Uriel
You told the gf? Dang, that's cold! You usually save that sort of stuff for revenge later!
André in Zuid-Afrika
Uriel wrote:
You told the gf? Dang, that's cold! You usually save that sort of stuff for revenge later!
Good grief, no, I didn't tell her!! No, she's suspected he's gay long before he's even met me. I didn't confirm or deny, but set her heart at ease that nothing will happen between us.
Loic
I wonder how a girlfriend must feel when she learns that her boyfriend is not physically attracted to her. Would it actually make her feel better than he is not at least attracted to another woman?
greg in noord-frankrijk
André in Zuid-Afrika wrote:
How do I land myself in these situations?
Hé, mon garçon, I think you know only too well how you get yourself in those situations — sans rire. Just keep it going that way and it won't be too long avant que tu trouves l'âme-sœur. What is more, it's springtime for you. C'est dégueulasse !
Deborah
Loic wrote:
I wonder how a girlfriend must feel when she learns that her boyfriend is not physically attracted to her. Would it actually make her feel better than he is not at least attracted to another woman?
Your suggestion is how I've always figured I would feel if it happened to me (it never has). But many years ago I had a roommate whose boyfriend came out, and the fact that his new lover was a man didn't seem to make it any easier on her.
Loic
Deborah:
I suppose it is always devastating to learn that the raison d'etre of one's existence has decided to leave. I am trying to put myself in the shoes of someone who has been apprised of the fact that his girlfriend is leaving him for another..... girl. I can only imagine that it'd be less depressing - I can always comfort myself with the thought that at least I am not an inferior to another male in her eyes.
Uriel
I don't know -- then you always have the issue of realizing that you were the one who put them off your entire gender!
As one comedian said, after relating that not, one, but two of his girlfriends had become lesbians immediately after dating him: "The first time I was supportive. But after the second, I had to wonder exactly what it is I was doing wrong ... I felt like a vegetarian's last hamburger!"
Deborah
Uriel wrote:
I don't know -- then you always have the issue of realizing that you were the one who put them off your entire gender!
Conversely, you could be pleased that he or she cared enough about you to stay with you so long, in spite of the fact that you were the wrong gender.
), that's your choice. Just remember that there's another person involved, and someone’s liable to get hurt.
No, she's suspected he's gay long before he's even met me. I didn't confirm or deny, but set her heart at ease that nothing will happen between us.