Ah, the glorious joys of employment! Those of you who work for a living will probably relate to the following (and if you've ever seen Office Space, you will appreciate how doing everything wrong to try to get yourself fired can inexplicably get you a promotion to management):
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Employees who don't take their S. H. I. T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already. If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a Job teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LIST of LEADERS (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). For employees who are intending to pursue a career in management and consulting, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.). This course emphasizes how to manage M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.
If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).
Thank you,
BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)
Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
The Director Under the Main Bureau of Super High Intensity Training.
(The D.U.M.B. S.H.I.T.).
PS - There is a job opening: Super High Intensity Training Higher Education And Research
Uriel
Here's another gem that was gleefully circulated around the office email:
NEW OFFICE POLICIES FOR 2007
Dress Code:
You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
- If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will
assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
- If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so
that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
- If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore
you do not need a raise.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you
are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturdays & Sundays.
Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend the funeral arrangements. In rare cases where
employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the
late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour
and subsequently leave one hour early.
Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict
three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm
will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted
on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the
company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break:
- Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more,
so that they can look healthy.
- Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
maintain their average figure.
- Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should
be directed elsewhere.
The Management
The funny part is really the days off one ("Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays."). One of the Aussies on another board was asking about the appalling lack of vacation time that Americans seems to have, and I was telling him that even though my company is actually pretty generous with paid leave accrual, actually getting to TAKE any of that time off is a whole 'nother thing -- I, in particular, have no back-up employees to cover me if I take off -- I am the only person in the whole hospital who does purchasing and supplies. My boss almost had a coronary when I told him I was taking 10 days off at Christmas!
Deborah
Re: I Owe, I Owe, It's Off To Work I Go....
Uriel wrote:
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
Now I know why they didn't use the acronyms when I took all those courses last year...
