André in Zuid-Afrika
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Jokes so stupid they're funny...A guy is driving down a road and sees a sign that says "Watch for Fallen Rocks." A few miles later, he sees some rocks at the side of the road, so he stops and picks some up.
When he gets to the next town, he takes the carries the rocks into the Highway Maintenance office. He walks up to the counter and puts the rocks on it. He looks at the guy behind the counter and says "Here's your fallen rocks... now where's my watch?"
One day a blonde and a brunette were watching the 6:00 evening news. On the news was a boy at the top of a building getting ready to jump. The blonde says out loud "I don't think he will jump."
The brunette responds by saying "I'll bet you $5 he will jump."
"Well I bet you $50 he won't jump," the blonde retorts.
"You're on!!" says the brunette.
After some time the boy finally jumps. The blonde pays up. As the brunette is walking out the door she turns around and says "I can't take this money from you. I saw the whole thing on the 5:00 evening news."
The blonde says "So did I, but I didn't think he would do it again."
A man who lived in an apartment thought it was raining and put his hand out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand.
He looked up to see where it came from just in time to see a young woman looking down.
"Is this yours?" he asked.
She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.
On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty. Would you like to join me?"
He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"
The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"
"No," she replied, "Only those who catch my eye."
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André in Zuid-Afrika
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Two boys were hunting. After a few hours, they realized they were hopelessly lost.
The first boy said, "I heard somewhere that if you fire a shot into the air someone will come to your aid."
They fired one shot but nobody came. They fired again and again, to no avail. Starting to panic, the first boy said, "Try one more time."
His friend replied, "Okay, but we're almost out of arrows."
Two blondes were walking in the forest one day, when they found some tracks on the ground. The first blonde said, "I know what kind of tracks those are. Those are deer tracks."
The second blonde shook her head and said, "No, those are elk tracks." The first blonde said, "No, my daddy showed me those kind of tracks before, and those are deer tracks."
Then the second blonde said, "Well, MY daddy showed me these same exact kind of tracks, and I'm sure these are elk tracks." The two of them argued back and forth for about 15 minutes, and then a train ran them over.
This guy walks in to a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands it to him, and slides over a bowl of peanuts, as well. The man is having a sip of his beer when he hears a tiny voice say "nice tie." He quickly looks around but sees nothing. He takes another sip when he hears "nice hat too." He quickly puts down the beer, but there's no one around, so he asks the bartender, "I keep hearing a tiny voice saying nice things, what's going on?" The bartender nods understandingly and says, "Oh, its the peanuts, they're complimentary."
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André in Zuid-Afrika
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The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said :
"YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to the airport, and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.
The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."
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André in Zuid-Afrika
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Doctor - "Do you smoke?"
Patient - "No, I don't."
Doctor - "That's too bad."
Patient - "Why???"
Doctor - "If you gave it up, you 'd feel much better."
Why did the orange stop??
Because it ran out of juice
Two Irishmen were in a lifeboat after their craft sank in a storm. After hours of floating aimlessly, one spotted an old lamp in the boat. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie appeared. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!"
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André in Zuid-Afrika
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The passengers on a small plane are a quite surprised when the pilots arrive.
The pilots walk up the aisle, both wearing dark glasses. One has a seeing-eye dog, the other is tapping his way with a white-tipped cane.
The cockpit door closes, the engines start up.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway. People by the windows realize they're heading right towards the water at the end of the runway.
Panic ensues. Screams fill the air. At that very moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly.
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot. "Y'know, Bob," he says. "One day they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die."
QUESTION: Why does the flamingo stand on one leg?
ANSWER: Because if it raises its other one it will fall over!!!
A baby seal walks into a club...
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Lazar
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Q: What was the first kind of music?
A: Rock music.
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André in Zuid-Afrika
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Here are some REMARKABLY STUPID directions from real products...
On a bar of Dial bath bar...
Directions: Use like regular soap.
On a bag of Fritos...
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
On a Korean kitchen knife...
Warning: Keep out of children.
On a package of Sunmaid raisins...
Why not try tossing over your favorite breakfast cereal?
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André in Zuid-Afrika
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Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty people from New York City showed up.
Never having seen anyone from the Big Apple at heaven's door, Saint Peter said he would have to check with God.
After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the ten most virtuous people from the group.
A few minutes later, Saint Peter returned to God breathless and said, "They're gone!"
"What? All of the New Yorkers are gone?" asked God.
"No!" replied Saint Peter. "The Pearly Gates!"
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André in Zuid-Afrika
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One day, an Indian boy asked his mother, "Mom, how did I get my name?"
The mother replied, "I get all my children's names from the first thing I see on the way to the hospital. Like your brother Running Deer and your sister Flowing Creek. Why do you ask, Two Dogs Pee?"
A man was driving down the road behind a farmer's truck. Suddenly, a little pig fell out of the back of the truck. The man thought the farmer would want his pig back, so he pulled his car over and tried to catch the pig. After a long chase, the man caught the pig and and put him in the back of his car. But by now the farmer's truck was way ahead of him, so he had to drive really fast to catch up. The man was pulled over by a cop, who said "Sir, you were going 90 M.P.H. in a 55 M.P.H. zone."
The man told the cop the story about the pig and the cop said, "Well, you aren't going to catch the farmer now, but I won't give you a ticket if you take the pig to the zoo."
The man said O.K. and left.
The next day, the same man came down the same highway and was pulled over by the same cop. The cop wasn't too happy. He walked up to the car and he saw the little pig in the back seat wearing a bathing suit on. The cop asked what was going on, and the man said, "Well, since we had so much fun at the zoo, today we're going to the beach!"
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Lazar
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From Rodney Dangerfield:
My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him I'd like a second opinion. He said, "All right. You're ugly too."
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Deborah
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From Joan Rivers:
When I was born, I was so ugly, the doctors slapped my mother!
(I think that was the only thing I ever heard Joan Rivers say that I actually thought was funny.)
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Pauline
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André in Zuid-Afrika
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André in Zuid-Afrika
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These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world.
"That race was all about competition." - David Coleman, ITV
"And I can see the strong wind blowing the sun towards us." - Brian Johnson, BBC Radio 3
Mark Goodier: What's the name of the company you work for?
Listener: Mining and Engineering Services. Mark Goodier: So, what kind of work do they do; is it mining and
engineering services? - BBC Radio 1
"Marling - unbeaten in her three victories."
Peter O'Sullivan, BBC2 TV: "Both drivers are fundamentally wearing white helmets."
James Hunt, BBC2 TV: "A church spire nestling among the trees...there's probably a church there too." - Richie Benaud, BBC2 TV
"Oldham are leading 1-0, a well deserved victory at this stage of the game." - Tommy Docherty, Picadilly Radio
Brian Johnson, BBC Radio 3: "We don't appear to have Jim Fish on the line at the moment."
"Are there any more great swimmers in the pipeline?" - Cliff Morgan, BBC Radio 4
"Andre Vandapole has four silver medals in cyclocross, and none of them gold." - Phil Liggott, Channel 4 TV
"Well, I shall remember that catch for many a dying day."
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André in Zuid-Afrika
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I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
In a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized warehouse noticed the smell of gas. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition -- lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked.
Witnesses later described the scene of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician that was suspected of causing the explosion had never been thought of as "bright" by his peers.
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André in Zuid-Afrika
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AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting please to come out and give himself up.
An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher."
A student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy.
Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."
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André in Zuid-Afrika
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Top 15 best things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk:
"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
"This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."
"Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper."
"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
"This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
"I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"
"Actually I was doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan"(SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend."
"I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?"
"Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
"The coffee machine is broke...."
"Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
"Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
"Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"
"I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without using my hands."
And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk:
"Amen."
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