| Archive for langcafe2.myfreeforum.org Come in and have your daily cup of languages! |
| Irrintzi |
Religion and humourla Biblia contada a los vascosenjoy it: (if you undestand spanish) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1vjJI5lnSrk http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QafSha2F5r4&NR |
||||
| André in Zuid-Afrika |
For those of you who are not religious, here's an easy guide to the different religions...
TALIBAN You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which is two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. At night when no one is looking, you milk both of them. Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital. METHODISM You have two cows. They start a farm holy club, then preach throughout the countryside until all the animals experience revival, then they all camp out together and sing a lot. BUDDISM You have two cows. You do not desire their milk so you are not unhappy when it is unavailable. Your lack of desire and dependency on external sources of happiness is about to let you escape the cycle of life and suffering (so that you don't get reincarnated into a cow), but then the Chinese come and destroy or take away everything that's yours. UNITARIAN-UNIVERSALISM You have two cows; They smoke in their religious services, and refuse to be nailed down in any belief, except that all cows will enjoy the benefits of becoming 'Filet Mignons' rather than dog food. EPISCOPALIANISM You have Anglophile two cows. They are American, but speak with English accents, sit around and smoke the best cigars, drink the finest wine, and enjoy each other's delicious intellectualism. On occasion they give sermons to the other cows on how to be a better steward of their money. AMISH You have two cows. You milk them manually, transport the milk by foot or bicycle, and trade it for wood, water, and other useful things. MORMON You have two cows. You feed them only natural foods. One is away on a two-year mission right now. You give your church one tenth of the milk your remaining cow produces. JEHOVA'S WITNESSES You have two cows. You go door to door to see if anyone else's cows want to join yours. SHINTO You have two cows. One rings a huge bell as the other continuously chants, "Amida Holstein". ATHEISM You have two cows. The evidence is all around the farmyard, s**t everywhere, but you still don't believe they exist. CHRISTIAN You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbour. AGNOSTIC You may or may not have two cows, it's really logically impossible to determine. - OR (and I think I like this better) - You have two cows. Just by looking a them, it is impossible to determine how they came into being. JUDAISM You have two cows. Their ancestors escaped slavery and went on to be mistreated and prosecuted throughout history. You give them a pasture, but then other animals fight over it. PROTESTANTISM You have 2 cows, they read the bible all day, one disagrees with the other over a petty issue, one cow leaves and forms a new church. CATHOLICISM You have two cows. You feel guilty for having cows and go to confession; your parish priest tells you that having cows is not in itself a sin in the eyes of God, but if you are feeling guilty about it, perhaps you should free the cows and say ten Hail Mary’s. TAOISM You have two cows. A black one, and a white one. You name them yin and yang. You don't touch them for fear of making them unbalanced. You decide to meditate on the subject. NEO-PAGANISM You have two cows. You preform charms and complicated rituals to ensure their safety and health. During the full moon and on holidays you dance around them naked and decorate them with berries. while trying to heal their auras you decide they should not be caged and let them roam free. One cow strays into the road and gets hit by a truck, you only have one cow, until your next ritual calls for a sacrifice, you now have no cows. BAPTIST You have two cows. They refuse to associate with any other of the livestock, and read only the oldest version of bovine truth. ISLAM You have two cows. One refuses to join your jihad, so you kill it. The other wears a full-length burka so as not to excite any of the bulls. CHRISTIAN SCIENCE You have two cows. One dies, but you deny that reality. The other reads 'Science and Health' and 'Key to the Scriptures' all day long. HINDUISM You have two well-fed cows. God forbid you touch them. |
||||
| Elaine |
Addendum:
AGNOSTIC - You might have had two cows, then again, you might not. ATHEISM #1 - Of course you can have two cows. Didn't you do biology in school? BAPTIST - You have two steaks. (??) CATHOLICISM #1 - You have two cows, the Pope wants you to have one cow. You don't think it's necessary to listen to him. CATHOLICISM #2 - You have two cows. You only milk them at Easter and Christmas. DARWINISM - You have two cows. They evolved from ferrets. SCIENTOLOGY #1 - Millions of years ago, Xenu put your cows in a volcano and exploded it with a nuclear bomb. Now their ghosts haunt you and cause all your problems. SCIENTOLOGY #2 - You have two cows. Their souls are tainted but this book can tell you how to save them. Please send us a check for $1,000.00. |
||||
| Deborah |
ADDENDUM:
CHRISTIANITY - You have two cows, but you can't decide whether they are two separate cows or just two manifestations of the same cow, so you and your neighbors slaughter each other to decide the question. |
||||
| Deborah |
Another addendum:
ATHEISM - You refuse to acknowledge the s**t that people around you claim they believe is there, because you can't step in it. |
||||
| André in Zuid-Afrika |
And another addendum:
Atheism: You have two cows. You refuse to accept that others may also have two cows, and may cherish their cows, just like you cherish yours. |
||||
| André in Zuid-Afrika |
And yet another addendum:
Atheism: You have two cows. You hate the idea that someone else also has two cows, so you kill that person and his/her cows. |
||||
| Deborah |
Oh, André -- I wasn't attacking Christianity; I was just balancing out a list that shows a decided slant in favor of Christianity and against atheism. | ||||
| Benjamin [inactive] |
How many ____ does it take to change a lightbulb?
Anglicans One to call the electrician and seven to say how much they liked the old one better. Charismatics Only one. Hands are already in the air. Lutherans Change?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Mennonites At least 15; one to change the bulb and three or four committees to approve the change... oh, and a casserole. Mormons One man to change the bulb and four wives to tell him how to do it. Pentecostals One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness. Calvinists None. God has predestined when the lights will go on and off. Roman Catholics None. They use candles. Quakers Ten to sit around in a circle until one feels the inner light. Unitarians We choose not to make a statement either in favour of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey, you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb. Present it next month at our annual Light Bulb Sunday Service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life, and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence. |
||||
| KSa |
It reminds me of other "cow stories" that may fit better to the Economic forum but let me post it here
(I have a feeling that it was once posted on the Langcafe, wasn't it?) AN AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead. A SOUTH AFRICAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. They get stolen, so you blame the previous regime’ and steal someone else’s cows and shoot the owner. A ZIMBABWEAN CORPORATION A farmer has two cows. You take over his farm, eat both cows and wait for the international community to supply more. A JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You re-design them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide. A GERMAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves. A BRITISH CORPORATION You have two cows. Both are mad. AN INDIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You pray to them for food. AN ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are. You break for lunch. A RUSSIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. A SWISS CORPORATION You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them. A CHINESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers. AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. The one on the left is kinda cute… |
||||
| Elaine |
That one gets me every time! 
ELAINISM (My one econo-religion) You have two cows. They do what they're supposed to do and you're pretty satisfied with them. But then something compels you to buy two new and improved cows. These state-of-the-art cows can do everything but wipe their own asses-- and they should since you spent an entire paycheck on them. But for some reason you can't figure out how to milk them. You read the manual but you might as well be reading ancient Babylonian. So you go back to your tried and true old cows and use the new cows to hang your clothes. |
||||
| André in Zuid-Afrika |
Fair enough. |
||||
| Deborah |
Sady, this is all too true.
...which it gives you, in the form of milk, and also provides dung for fertilizer and fuel. |
||||
| André in Zuid-Afrika |
Sad, but true. |
||||
| André in Zuid-Afrika |
Children's Letters to God
Dear GOD, In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? -Jane Dear GOD, I read the Bible. What does begat mean? Nobody will tell me. Love, Alison Dear GOD, Are you really invisible or is that just a trick? -Lucy Dear GOD, Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? -Anita Dear GOD, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? -Norma Dear GOD, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now? -Jane Dear GOD, Who draws the lines around the countries? -Nan Dear GOD, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -Neil Dear GOD, What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. -Jane Dear GOD, Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother. -Darla Dear GOD, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. -Joyce Dear GOD, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend -- (But I am not going to tell you who I am) Dear GOD, Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. -Tom L. Dear GOD, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up. -Bruce Dear GOD, If we come back as something - please don't let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her. -Denise Dear GOD, If You give me a genie lamp like Aladin, I will give you anything you want, except my money or my chess set. -Raphael Dear GOD, My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha. -Danny Dear GOD, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. -Larry Dear GOD, I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over. -Sam Dear GOD, You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways. -Dean Dear GOD, I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. -Ruth M. Dear GOD, I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying. -Elliott Dear GOD, I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. -Nan Dear GOD, Of all the people who work for You I like Noah and David the best. -Rob Dear GOD, My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they? -Marsha Dear GOD, If You watch me in church Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. -Mickey D. Dear GOD, I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. Love, Chris Dear GOD, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. -Sincerely, Donna Dear GOD: The bad people laughed at Noah - "You made an ark on dry land you fool." But he was smart, he stuck with You. That's what I would do. -Eddie Dear GOD, I do not think anybody could be a better GOD. Well, I just want You to know but I am not just saying that because You are GOD already. -Charles Dear GOD, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool! -Eugene |
||||
| Llatai |
Question: What do you get when you cross an agnostic, an insomniac and a dyslexic?
Answer: Someone who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog. |
||||