What do you have when you have two little green balls in your hand?
Kermit the Frog's undivided attention.
What's red and green and goes 90 mph?
Kermit the Frog in a blender.
How did Helen Keller burn her ear?
Trying to answer the iron.
How did Helen Keller burn her fingers?
Trying to read the waffle iron.
Why is Helen Keller's leg yellow?
Her dog's blind, too.
What's the best present for a dead baby?
A dead puppy.
What do you call a girl with two black eyes?
An Irish beauty.
What's Irish confetti?
Bricks.
A woman runs into a police station and says, "Help, help! An Irishman just raped me!"
"How did you know he was Irish?
"I had to help him."
Jewish foreplay: an hour of begging.
Irish foreplay: "Brace yourself, Bridget."
Black foreplay: "Scream and I'll kill you."
How do you get a one-armed Polack out of a tree?
Wave.
What does a Pole give his wife on her wedding night that's long and hard?
His last name.
A rich Pole went camping and forgot to bring toilet paper. His friend told him, it was no big deal -- just use a dollar to wipe. The Pole came back all testy -- "Some advice, buddy -- now my hand's all covered with shit and I've got four quarters stuck up my ass!"
How many Mexicans does it take to grease a car?
One, if you hit him right.
Why do Mexicans' lowriders always have those little chain steering wheels?
So the owners can drive with the handcuffs still on.
How do you keep black children from jumping up and down on the bed?
Velcro the ceiling.
How do you make a hormone?
Put sawdust in her vaseline.
The soup of the day at most restaurtants in San Francisco's Chinatown?
Cream of Sum Yung Gai.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Mexican, and a Texan are on a jumbo jet when one of the engines goes out. The pilot comes on the intercom and says that unless someone sacrifices himself to lighten the load, they will all die. Resolutely, the Englishman goes to the cabin door, says, "God save the Queen!" and jumps out. A little while later the second engine goes out, and this time the Frenchman gallantly volunteers himself with a "Vive la France!"
Ten minutes from their destination, the third engine goes out, and the Texan stands up. "Remember the Alamo!" he hollers -- and throws the Mexican out.
Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire -- a Californian, a Coloradan, and a Texan. The Californian, true to form, pulls out an expensive bottle of Napa Valley's finest vintage, takes a sip, tosses the rest of the bottle up in the air, and shoots it skeet-style, saying, "We've got plenty of those where I come from."
Not to be outdone, the Colorado man pulls out a Coors, pops the tab, and throws the beer can up in the air and shoots it, chuckling, "We got plenty of those where I come from."
The Texan takes out a bottle of tequila, drinks it down, and shoots the Californian. "No end of those where I come from, " he chuckles.
There's construction going on next to the convent, and one day the Mother Superior goes to the foreman to complain about all the foul language wafting over the convent walls. The foreman says, "I'm sorry, sister, but these men are the salt of the earth and they tend to call a spade a spade."
"No they don't," she shoots back, "they call it a fucking shovel!"
Three men go to a whorehouse that promises to charge them on a sliding scale -- ten dollars an inch. The first one goes in, comes out twenty minutes later with a big ol' grin on his face. "Eighty dollars poorer, boys."
The second one goes in and comes out with an even bigger smirk on his face. "Just dropped a hundred bucks," he gloats.
The third man goes in and comes out smiling. "Best thirty bucks I ever spent, guys!"
His two friends goggle at him, flabbergasted. "How on earth can you possibly be proud of that -- and still have the nerve to smile about it?!!"
"Because I had the sense to pay afterward...."
What do you call a woman with one leg?
Eileen
What do you call a Japanese woman with one leg?
Irene
What do you call a man with no arms and legs?
Matt
What so you call a man with no arms and legs in a swimming pool?
Bob
How do you know when you're fucking a really ugly woman?
When she has to wear a bag over her head.
How do you know when you're fucking a world-class ugly woman?
When you have to wear a bag, too -- in case hers slips.
Two men were arguing at the bar over which one had the uglier wife. Finally, the first one dragged the other over to his house to see for himself. The second one had to admit that the woman who came to the door was one ugly bitch, but he said his wife could still beat that, so the two men staggered over to the second one's house. The second man went not to the front door, but around the side to the cellar doors, opened them up, and hollered down into the darkness, "Honey, can you come up for a minute?"
"Do you want me to wear the bag?" she called back?
"No sweetie, I don't want to fuck you -- just show you to someone!" _________________ An apple a day....
This thread should come with a warning: EXPLICIT SUBJECT MATTER and NOT FOR THE EASILY OFFENDED.
Let's see how many minorities I can offend. (Weee! I'm going to Hell! )
Q: What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?
A: A pizza doesn't scream when you throw it in the oven.
Q: What do football cheerleaders and Iraqi women have in common?
A: They both shower after the fourth period.
Q: What do you call a Jap swimming to Asia with a nigger under one arm and a spic under the other?
A: The American Dream.
Q: How can you tell you were robbed by a Polack?
A: Your garbage can is empty and your dog is pregnant.
Q: Why does the Navy keep Marines aboard ship?
A: Because sheep would be too obvious.
Q: How do you fit four fags on a bar stool?
A: Turn it upside down.
Q: How do you get 100 dead babies into the trunk of a car?
A: Blender.
Q: How do you get them out?
A: Tostitos.
Q: How do you make a little girl scream twice?
A: When you're done, wipe your bloody dick on her teddy bear.
Yeah. I'm going to run a virus scan on my computer and check the locks on my doors now... _________________ "Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies." ---- Groucho Marx
What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.
What did the blondes right leg say to the left leg?
Nothing, they haven't met!
Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?
Because they both drip when they're fucked!
Sorry, now the jokes are in French because I'm not sure that translated, they'd be as fun.
C'est quoi la différence entre une belle-mère et un pit-bull?
- Le rouge à lèvres
Quelle peine encourt-on pour bigamie ? Deux belles-mères
Comment dit-on « Ma belle-mère ne vient pas dîner ce soir » en anglais ? Yeeessss !
C'est une femme qui rentre à la maison et qui dit à son mari :
- Tu te rends compte, chéri ? Je reviens de chez l'oculiste avec maman, il paraît qu'elle est presbyte !
- Ah ! Ce n’est pas de chance, déjà qu'elle était casse couilles !
C'est quoi la différence entre une belle-mère et un pit-bull?
- Le rouge à lèvres
Qui court plus vite que Carl Lewis ?
Un somalien avec un ticket restaurant.
Qu'est-ce qui a 5 km de long et un QI de 40 ?
La parade de la Saint-Patrick à New York
Vous savez pourquoi Ray Charles a le bas de ses pantalons jaunes ?
Parce que son chien est lui aussi aveugle !
Les femmes de Chirac, de Eltsine, et de Clinton parlent de sexe en l'absence de leurs maris :
- Savez-vous comment on appelle le sexe de l'homme en Russie? demande Mme Eltsine.
- La courtoisie car il se lève devant les dames.
- En France, dit Mme Chirac, on l'appelle le rideau car il se lève avant l'acte et se baisse après l'acte.
- Eh bien! dit Mme Clinton, chez nous on l'appelle la rumeur car il va de bouche en bouche ! _________________ Karout hep bezañ karet
A zo kriz ha kalet
How do you know when a blond has borrowed your car?
There are panties in the glove compartment and lipstick on the gearshift.
What's the first thing a blond does in the morning?
Introduce herself.
What do you call a blond who has dyed her hair brown?
Artificial intelligence.
A blond, a brunette, and a redhead are all in their obstetrician's office, awaiting the results of their ultrasounds. The brunette is elated to find out she is having a boy -- "I just knew it, because I let my husband be on top when we conceived!" The redhead is unsurprised to find out she will be having a girl -- "I was on top during that particular deed!"
The blond bursts into tears.
"What's wrong?" the other two ask.
"I guess I'm--I'm ha-having puppies!"
Why is Stevie Wonder always smiling?
He doesn't know he's black.
What's the definition of "pandemonium"?
Father's day in Harlem.
That's kid's so ugly they had to tie a porkchop around his neck to get the dog to play with him.
That kid's so ugly, when he was born, the doctor slapped his mother!
A young man goes into a drugstore to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
Nice thread! Okay, I'm eager to contribute cause I know a few mean and tasteless jokes, though I want to refer to Joanne's remark just to be on the safe side, lol
Joanne wrote:
EXPLICIT SUBJECT MATTER and NOT FOR THE EASILY OFFENDED.
I had to translate all of them from German into English. I hope there aren't too many mistakes...
A doctor says to his patient: "Mr. Smith, I have two bad news for you!"
Patient shocked: "Oh my God, tell me!"
Doctor: "You have cancer."
Patient: "Good Lord, NO!!"
Doctor: "...and Alzheimer's disease."
Patient: "Well, at least no cancer!"
A man takes a child into the forest.
Child: "Oh Mister, this dark forest is really creepy."
Man: "Stop saying something like that, after all I have to go back all alone!"
Mummy, mummy. Why does daddy crosses the street zigzag?
Shut up, son - and keep on shooting!
Which is the toughest rally in the world?
With a snack truck through Ethiopia.
Mummy, mummy, may I play with granny?
No, the casket stays closed today!
Jesus' last words: "More nails. I'm sliding!"
What's mean?
Place a blind at a advertising pillar and say: always follow the wall!
Why do the East Frisians take a stone and a matchstick into their bed?
They throw out the light with the stone, and they use the matchstick to look whether they hit it!
Why does all the East Frisians have such square heads?
So that they don't roll into the sea when they fall asleep on the dike.
There is a married couple in a room of a hospital. The woman just gave birth to a baby. Then the door opens and a nurse comes in with the baby in her arms. Suddenly, she turns round and begins to knock the baby onto the door frame several times. The parents are shocked and can't believe it. They helplessly cried: "What the hell are you doing...omg, our baby!!!"
The nurse replies: "Haha, April fool! It was already dead!"
What is 20 meters high and has 200 000 arms and legs?
A tsunami.
I like the following German sayings. Unfortunately, it doesn't make sense to translate them into English since they have to rhyme.
Alle Kinder spielen auf der Betonplatte, außer Gunter, der liegt drunter.
Alle Kinder stehen ums Lagerfeuer, außer Brigitte, die liegt in der Mitte.
Alle Kinder bleiben am Abgrund stehen, außer Peter, der geht noch nen Meter.
Alle Kinder gehen zum Friedhof, außer Hagen, der wird getragen.
Alle Kinder essen Gulasch, außer Lars, der war's.
Alle Kinder rennen um ihr leben, außer Renate, die trägt die Granate.
Alle Kinder gehen über die Straße, außer Jens, der klebt am Benz.
Alle Kinder sitzen auf dem elektrischen Stuhl, außer Walter, der spielt am Schalter. _________________ Jeder hat ein Recht auf meine Meinung!
Q: What did the blind, deaf, and dumb girl get for Christmas?
A: Cancer.
Q: What do you call a busload of niggers driving off a cliff with one empty seat?
A: A damned shame.
Q: What do you call four niggers in a shed?
A: Antique farm equipment.
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. He thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
“Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?” she asked. “They’re mating,” her father replied. “What do you call the spider on top?” she asked. “That’s a Daddy Longlegs,” her father answered. “So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?” the little girl asked. As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question, he replied, “No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat and said, “Well, we’re not having any of that faggot shit in our garden.”
Walker wrote:
Jesus Christ, Joanne!
Gotcha! I think your prayer for me is a little late, though... Unfortunately, I know quite a few abortion and pedophile jokes. After all this time, they still nauseate me But, hey, you guys wanted mean jokes...
[deleted] _________________ "Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies." ---- Groucho Marx
Last edited by Joanne on Sun Apr 15, 2007 7:40 am; edited 1 time in total
The only remotely funny Norwegian ones I could find, which do translate nicely:
- Do you have mouse poison?
- No, but we have rat poison.
- Won't that be too strong?
All the children ran out of the burning school, except Finn, 'cos the bell rang "in!".
Wife who just came home: I'll be off again, I'm going riding, honey.
Blond Swedish husband: I know, darling, the stallion called three times already.
I know they are stupid, but I can't help laughing....
The really funny ones are always the untranslatable ones, like this one:
A blonde hillbilly nudist from Toten put up this sign by her favourite spot by Lake Mjøsa after she was tired of surfers staring at her:
"Surf itte her!"
(In Toten dialect the sentence means "don't surf here" but sounds like "sour cunt here".)
If other posters don't care to read through the large collection of mostly boring jokes already posted, here are my favourites:
Uriel wrote:
Why is Helen Keller's leg yellow?
Her dog's blind, too.
LOL, except that "wet" would have been better.
Quote:
The soup of the day at most restaurtants in San Francisco's Chinatown?
Cream of Sum Yung Gai.
LOL!
Yelina wrote:
Quote:
Quelle peine encourt-on pour bigamie ? Deux belles-mères
LOL!!
Icke wrote:
Quote:
Mummy, mummy. Why does daddy crosses the street zigzag?
Shut up, son - and keep on shooting!
LOL!!!
Quote:
There is a married couple in a room of a hospital. The woman just gave birth to a baby. Then the door opens and a nurse comes in with the baby in her arms. Suddenly, she turns round and begins to knock the baby onto the door frame several times. The parents are shocked and can't believe it. They helplessly cried: "What the hell are you doing...omg, our baby!!!"
The nurse replies: "Haha, April fool! It was already dead!"
ROFL!
That really is the best with German humour, the abrupt, grotesque, unexpected surrealism. Gets me every time.
The same can be said for the "all the children..." jokes (do they exist in the Anglophone world too?), but they rely of course as much upon enjoyment of language itself:
Quote:
Alle Kinder gehen zum Friedhof, außer Hagen, der wird getragen.
Quote:
Alle Kinder rennen um ihr leben, außer Renate, die trägt die Granate.
All the other jokes were just lame and left me cold. _________________ Wer fremde Sprachen nicht kennt, weiß nichts von seiner eigenen. = Those who don't know foreign languages, know nothing of their own. (Johann Wolfgang von Goethe)
Those last two in my last post were extremely, extremely beyond the pale, I apologize. I'll delete them. _________________ "Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies." ---- Groucho Marx
How can you know if a man is unfaithful
Check and see if he has a penis
Why do men masturbate?
It’s sex with someone they love
Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed
Married women come home, see what’s in the bed and go to the fridge
Men are like…..Placemats.
They only show up when there’s food on the table.
Men are like…..Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like…..Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.
Men are like…..Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.
Men are like…..Parking spots.
The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.
Men are like…..Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that’s about it.
Men are like…..Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like…..Bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don’t generate much interest.
Men are like…..High heels.
They’re easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Men are like…..Curling irons.
They’re always hot, and they’re always in your hair.
Men are like…..Mini skirts.
If you’re not careful, they’ll creep up your legs.
Men are like…..Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.
The Top Ten Things Not To Say To A Naked Man
1 This explains your car.
2 I never saw one like that before.
3 But it still works, right?
4 Are you cold?
5 I guess this makes me the early bird.
6 Ahhhh, it’s cute.
7 Can I be honest with you?
8 Maybe it looks better in natural light.
9 Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10 Why don’t we skip right to the cigarettes?
Don't worry, we love you all the same _________________ Karout hep bezañ karet
A zo kriz ha kalet
All the other jokes were just lame and left me cold.
I think that you will be a *very* strict teacher, never content with what the pupils write and i'm happy that you're not a teacher in my school!!!! Of course, though, we don't write such jokes for give to the teachers!!! Humor ist geschmaksache. Maybe you didn't understand all the jokes- for sure I didn't undertsand all, for example your joke of the mouse/rat poison.
Wenn du deutscher Humor so lustig findst, warum besuchst du nie den deutschen Fred?
Men are like…..Parking spots.
The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.
Hee hee -- we have a similar one -- the good ones are all taken, and the rest of them are handicapped!
And then there are lawyer jokes:
What do you call a busload of lawyers at the bottom of the sea?
A good start.
Why don't sharks eat lawyers who fall overboard?
Professional courtesy.
What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A Doberman.
Some great Larry the Cable Guy jokes my ex told me the other day:
I was in Las Vegas the other week, and I gave a midget hooker eight bucks to go up on me.
If those shorty-shorts at Hooters get any shorter, the FDA's gonna require them to wear hair nets down there!
For you non-Americans, this is the Hooters girl uniform, and the FDA is the Food and Drug Administration:
And on his cell phone you can hear, "Fishin' -- I love fishin'. The other day my buddy invited me to go fishin' with him but he said we had to be on the lake by five a.m. Come again? You couldn't get me on a cheerleader at five a.m. ....."
Just to even things out from Yelina's (very funny) list:
Why a Beer is Better than a Woman
Beer always gives you head.
Beer always tastes good.
Beer is always wet.
A beer doesn't mind if you have another beer.
You always know when you're the first one to pop a beer.
After you're done with a beer, the can is still worth five cents.
And then there's the always great "Man Song":
The Man Song by Sean Morey
I don't take no crap from anybody! ... else but you.
I wear the pants around here!...when I'm finished with your laundry.
'Cause I'm a guy you don't want to fight! ... when I say "jump" you say "yeah, right".
I'm the man of this house! ... until you get home.
What I say goes around here! ... right out the window.
And I don't want to hear a lot of whining! ... so I'll shut up.
The sooner you learn who's boss around here! ... the sooner you can give me my orders, dear.
'Cause I am the head honcho! ... but it's all in my head.
And I can have sex anytime! ... that you want.
'Cause I'm a man who has needs! ... but they're not that important.
And don't expect any flowers from me! ... because if I'm not mistaken you prefer jewelry.
I'm the king of my castle! ... when you're not around.
And I'll drink and watch sports whenever I want! ... to get into trouble.
And I'll come home when I'm good and ready! ... to sleep on the couch.
Because a man's got to do what a man's got to do! ... and I'm going to do what you tell me to.
Because I'm top dog around here! ... but I've been neutered! _________________ An apple a day....
Q: What did the blind, deaf, and dumb girl get for Christmas?
A: Cancer.
Q: What do you call a busload of niggers driving off a cliff with one empty seat?
A: A damned shame.
Q: What do you call four niggers in a shed?
A: Antique farm equipment.
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. He thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
“Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?” she asked. “They’re mating,” her father replied. “What do you call the spider on top?” she asked. “That’s a Daddy Longlegs,” her father answered. “So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?” the little girl asked. As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question, he replied, “No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat and said, “Well, we’re not having any of that faggot shit in our garden.”
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(Weee! I'm going to Hell! 
)
Jesus Christ, Joanne!
Nice thread! Okay, I'm eager to contribute cause I know a few mean and tasteless jokes, though I want to refer to Joanne's remark just to be on the safe side, lol
But, hey, you guys wanted 
