OK, someone FINALLY forwarded this to me again! Last time I got this was in 2001 and it looks like it's been added to since then.
Driving in Dallas,Texas
First you must learn to pronounce the city name. It is DAL-LUS, or DAA-LIS depending on if you live inside or outside LBJ Freeway.
Next, if your Mapsco is more than a few weeks old, throw it out and buy a new one. If in Denton County and your Mapsco is one-day-old, then it is already obsolete. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. (Frisco has screwed everything up.)
Dallas has its own version of traffic rules... "Hold on and pray." There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Dallas . We all drive like that.
All directions start with, "Get on Beltline," which has no beginning and no end. (It REALLY DOESN'T!!!)
The morning rush hour is from 6 to 10. The evening rush hour is from 3 to 7. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.
If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended, cussed out and possibly shot. When you are the first one on the starting line, count to five when the light turns green before going to avoid crashing with all the drivers running the red light in cross-traffic.
Construction on Central Expressway is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment. We had sooo much fun with that, we have added George Bush Freeway and the High Five to the mix.
All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we're in Fort Worth !"
If someone actually has his or her turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect. Car horns are actually "Road Rage" indicators - and remember, it's legal to be armed in Texas ..
All old ladies with blue hair in a Mercedes have the right of way. Period. And remember, it's legal to be armed in Texas ..
Inwood Road, Plano Road, NW Highway, East Grand, Garland Road, Marsh Lane, Josey Lane, 15th Street, Preston Road all mysteriously change names as you cross intersections (these are only a FEW examples). The
perfect example is what is MOSTLY known as Plano Road . On the south end, it is known as Lake Highlands Drive, cross Northwest Highway and it becomes Plano Road, go about 8 miles and it is briefly Greenville Ave,
Ave K, and Highway 5. It ends in Sherman ... about 35 miles away......
The North Dallas Tollway is our daily version of NASCAR. The minimum acceptable speed on the Dallas North Toll Road is 85 mph. Anything less is considered downright sissy. It also ends in Sherman .
If asking directions in Irving or SE Dallas , you must have knowledge of Spanish. If in central Richardson or on Harry Hines, Mandarin Chinese will be your best bet. If you stop to ask directions on Gaston or Live Oak, you better be armed... and remember, it's legal to be armed in Texas
The wrought iron on windows near Oak Cliff and Fair Park is not ornamental!!
A trip across town east to west will take a minimum of four hours, although many north/south freeways have unposted minimum speeds of 75.
It is possible to be driving WEST in the NORTH-bound lane of EAST NORTHWEST Highway. Don't let this confuse you.
LBJ is called "The Death Trap" for two reasons: "death" and "trap."
If it's 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend. If it's 10 degrees and sleeting/snowing, the Fort Worth Stock Show is going on. If it has rained 6 inches in the last hour, the Byron Nelson Golf Classic is in the second round (if it's Spring) - and it is the Texas State Fair if it's Fall.
If you go to the Fair, pay the $8.00 to park INSIDE Fair Park . Parking elsewhere could cost up to $2500 for damages, towing fees, parking tickets, and possibly a gunshot wound. If some guy with a flag tries to get you to park in his yard, run over him.
Any amusement parks, stadiums, arenas, racetracks, airports, etc., are conveniently located as far away from EVERYTHING as possible so as to allow for ample parking on grassy areas.
Final Warning: Don't Mess With Texas Drivers ... remember, it's legal to Be armed in Texas
Oh, God, that's funny, Bashar! I escaped the legendary Dallas traffic by hauling ass through there on I-20 on a Sunday morning ... thank God church is also not only legal, but possibly mandatory!
Quote:
Any amusement parks, stadiums, arenas, racetracks, airports, etc., are conveniently located as far away from EVERYTHING as possible so as to allow for ample parking on grassy areas.
If you go to the Fair, pay the $8.00 to park INSIDE Fair Park . Parking elsewhere could cost up to $2500 for damages, towing fees, parking tickets, and possibly a gunshot wound. If some guy with a flag tries to get you to park in his yard, run over him.
Dude, you guys do this, too? We banish our Southern NM State Fair out in the hinterlands beyond the prison and the airport -- no grass to park on, but we substitute large areas of domesticated dirt -- I say "domesticated" because there is no mesquite or cactus or tumbleweed growing on it, so it counts as manicured. But come the Renaissance Faire, which is in a park inthe middle of town, every business along the side of the road adjacent is pimping out their parking lots for $2 - $5 bucks -- even on days when those businesses aren't open anyway! If you're smart you just turn down the side street and park in the huge FREE parking lots of Best Buy and Hastings and hoof it back -- it's all of five more minutes out of your day!
I also am amused by the fact that Texas posts two speed limits ontheir highways -- one on a white sign for daytime, and a lower one on a black sign for night.
I have to say that all the California stuff seems so incredibly foreign here in Wisconsin, to say the very least; if I did not know California was part of the US, I would probably guess that such was about some other country than here in the Upper Midwest. In particular, all the California expressions and usages aside from the use of soda (which is a specific part of the dialect here in Milwaukee) seem just so weird and cliche to me; I would probably be practically shocked if I ever heard someone say any of them to me in Real Life. However, that is probably just the effect of only hearing people from or characters set in California on TV and having practically no Real Life contact with anyone from California...
I think we can characterize the different parts of the country as Laidback, Uptight, Downright Weird, and the South.
The west coast and the southwest counts as the Laidback Regions. The northeast and (I'm guessing) the midwest are probably in the Uptight. Places like Alaska and Hawaii and NYC are definitely in the Downright Weird, and the South is, of course, its own planet, with its own rules and gravity.
I'm used to living in the Laidback, so California is very normal for me.
Little shout out to my neighbors down I-10 (italics mine):
You Know You're From El Paso When...
You know that the only two seasons are summer and Christmas.
You know it's the first day of Spring because the wind gusts hit 50 mph.
(You would not BELIEVE our springtime windstorms ... and they are indeed the stereotypical harbinger of the season!)
You know that it only snows if it was at least 75 the day before.
You cringe whenever you see a CHIH MEX license plate.
('Cause you hope it has brakes....)
You can get sunburned and wind burned in the same hour.
(Tell me about it!)
You can give a stranger exact directions to the Electric-Q disco in Juarez.
You don't go near the Rio Grande. Ever.
You think that anyone who lives on the West side drives a BMW and all the people
on the East side are gangsters.
The only national monuments you have been to are White Sands and the Chamizal.
You have a least four T-shirts that have "In loving memory" on the back.
(In New Mexico, of course, this would be emblazoned on your back windshield. In either Old English or fancy cursive.)
You know the difference between "ya'll" and "all ya'll".
(Yes. One's plural. The other is really, really plural.)
You know where the "real" first Thanksgiving took place.
You think Western Playland is the place to be in the summer.
(Of course it is. It's the only water park for hundreds of miles ... and when the Rio Grande dries up, it's the only open water for hundreds of miles.....)
You have tried to fry an egg on the sidewalk in July.
(Ah, but did you remember the chorizo?)
You invest a great deal of money in hair spray in the spring.
(See item 2.)
The only thing you stocked up on for Y2K were tortillas.
(Well, everything else you can live without!)
You know what all those letters on the mountain stand for.
You can see three different states and two countries from your backyard.
The first place you go when you come back in town is Chico's Tacos.
When you are lost in Juarez at night, you can always find your way back by looking for the star on the mountain.
(Well, it's enormous, you can't miss it!)
Seeing the Asarco tower gives you that warm and fuzzy home feeling.
(It's a filthy smokestack right on the border, where it runs along I-10 as you drive south from NM. Now defunct, I believe, and probably a superfund site.)
You have talked about leaving for about ten years, but you are still here.
(And they call New Mexico the Land of Entrapment.....)
You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from El Paso.
That's El Paso in the front, Juarez in the back. _________________ An apple a day....
I think we can characterize the different parts of the country as Laidback, Uptight, Downright Weird, and the South.
The west coast and the southwest counts as the Laidback Regions. The northeast and (I'm guessing) the midwest are probably in the Uptight. Places like Alaska and Hawaii and NYC are definitely in the Downright Weird, and the South is, of course, its own planet, with its own rules and gravity.
We vary between very laidback and very uptight here depending on the exact situation. Everyday informal situations are often very laidback and friendly, but there's lots of little unwritten social rules, people normally keep to their own social groups unless they have some other reason to interact, and in areas which are not snow white there are very sharp and intractable social divisions (which make the Southwest look like a model of multiculturalism and general social harmony in comparison). We might not be nearly as elitist as some in the Northeast, but we make up for it in general provinciality, insularity, and attitudes towards minorities akin to those in many areas of continental Europe which have not seen outside immigration until the last 25 or so years.
It's been 20 years since I lived back east (Virginia and New York), and I haven't even visited since I was 18 (17 years ago). I barely remember it any more. Also, I was a kid, so I was far less attuned to the "big picture".
But you can see the difference in people here who are originally FROM the northeast or the midwest -- they contrast with the natives in some unusual ways. _________________ An apple a day....
It's been 20 years since I lived back east (Virginia and New York), and I haven't even visited since I was 18 (17 years ago). I barely remember it any more. Also, I was a kid, so I was far less attuned to the "big picture".
But you can see the difference in people here who are originally FROM the northeast or the midwest -- they contrast with the natives in some unusual ways.
Speech. And I don't mean accents; I mean how they use speech. We had one nurse from Connecticut who just never stopped talking. (She really, really needed that shirt that says "Help! I'm talking and I can't shut up!") She said she couldn't date western men because she drove them crazy. She never got the hang of comfortable silences; if there was a lull in the conversation, she had a driving need to fill it with chatter. On one occasion, the guy she was on a date with turned to her and said, "Do you say EVERYTHING that pops into your head?" I think that was her moment of revelation. We later hired a New Yorker, and she was thrilled to death because "finally we have someone who talks just as much as me!"
She also said she found it easier to deal with one of our doctors who is known for his abrasive, confrontational style better than most people, because of her upbringing; it was a style she was very used to, and you just had to give the same attitude and confrontation back to him, and he would back down. (Very true, it turns out. He's actually from India, but he spent many years in NYC.)
We have a secretary (also from Connecticut) who is less talkative, but her tone and curtness often make her sound much ruder than she probably intends to. I find that also on the phone many times people from the northeast are often very terse and unfriendly, and indulge in basic pleasantries and incidental small talk a LOT less. Chicagoans are much more friendly, and fellow southwesterners will talk your ear off and go into a lot more asides. I find that I talk differently with people from various parts of the country myself (on the phone) as I unconsciously respond to their social cues. _________________ An apple a day....
Location: El Pueblo de Nuestra Señora la Reina de los Angeles del Río de Porciúncula
Posted: Fri Jan 11, 2008 2:06 am Post subject:
Uriel wrote:
Speech. And I don't mean accents; I mean how they use speech. We had one nurse from Connecticut who just never stopped talking. (She really, really needed that shirt that says "Help! I'm talking and I can't shut up!") She said she couldn't date western men because she drove them crazy. She never got the hang of comfortable silences; if there was a lull in the conversation, she had a driving need to fill it with chatter.
I've worked with many people from the East Coast, and yes, they never stopped talking. They also tended to be very pushy and in-your-face, particularly the ones from the Mid-Atlantic states. When I worked retail, I had this boss who was a neurotic mess of man who kept carping about our laidback LA attitudes and how it was keeping us from reaching our sales potential. What he didn't realize was that his pushy manner chased all our customers away. They absolutely hated being given the hard sell.
Now I work with this lady from Philadelphia who talks a mile-a-minute and never shuts up. Like the boss above, she buzzes about in such manic frenzy and she constantly talks over people already in conversation and finishes off their sentences!
1. You can eat half dried meat and not be considered disgusting.
2. Nothing is your fault, you can blame it all on apartheid.
3. You get to buy a new car every 3 months and the insurance
company even pays for it.
4. You can experience '*/* service in eleven official languages.
5. Where else can you get oranges with 45% alcohol content at
rugby matches?
6. It's the only country in the world where striking workers
show; how angry they are by dancing.
7. You're considered clumsy if you cannot: use a cell phone
(without car kit), change CDs, drink a beer, put on make-up, read the
newspaper and smoke, all at the same time while driving a car at 160 kph in a 60 kph zone.
8. Great accent. (!!!)
9. If you live in Johannesburg, you get to brag about living in
the most dangerous city in the world.
10. Burglar bars become a feature, and a great selling point for
your house.
11. You can decorate your garden walls with barbed wire.
12. The tow-trucks are the first on the scene for most major
crimes, without being called.
The police you have to call about three times!
13. Votes have to be recounted until the right party wins.
14. Illegal immigrants leave the country because the crime rate
is too high.
15. The police ask you if they must follow up on the burglary you've just reported.
16. Where a murderer gets a 6 month sentence and a pirate TV
viewer 2 years.
17. The prisoners strike and get to vote in elections!
18. The police stations have panic buttons to call armed
response when they are burgled
19. Police cars are fitted with immobilisers and gearlocks! _________________ Toe ek jonk was, het ek al die antwoorde geken. Nou verstaan ek nie eens die vrae nie.
Location: El Pueblo de Nuestra Señora la Reina de los Angeles del Río de Porciúncula
Posted: Sat Jan 12, 2008 1:09 am Post subject:
André in Zuid-Afrika wrote:
You know you're in South Africa when...
9. If you live in Johannesburg, you get to brag about living in
the most dangerous city in the world.
10. Burglar bars become a feature, and a great selling point for
your house.
11. You can decorate your garden walls with barbed wire.
12. The tow-trucks are the first on the scene for most major
crimes, without being called.
The police you have to call about three times!
13. Votes have to be recounted until the right party wins.
14. Illegal immigrants leave the country because the crime rate
is too high.
15. The police ask you if they must follow up on the burglary you've just reported.
16. Where a murderer gets a 6 month sentence and a pirate TV
viewer 2 years.
17. The prisoners strike and get to vote in elections!
18. The police stations have panic buttons to call armed
response when they are burgled
19. Police cars are fitted with immobilisers and gearlocks!
Jeez, SA doesn't sound like a very hospitable place. Are you sure I'll be safe when I visit?
You know you're in Scotland when you can actually buy deep-fried battered pizza from the chip shop.
And I thought we had unhealthy food here with two of our main food groups here being meat and potatoes... of course, then, you are the guys with the deep-fried Mars bars...
9. If you live in Johannesburg, you get to brag about living in
the most dangerous city in the world.
10. Burglar bars become a feature, and a great selling point for
your house.
11. You can decorate your garden walls with barbed wire.
12. The tow-trucks are the first on the scene for most major
crimes, without being called.
The police you have to call about three times!
13. Votes have to be recounted until the right party wins.
14. Illegal immigrants leave the country because the crime rate
is too high.
15. The police ask you if they must follow up on the burglary you've just reported.
16. Where a murderer gets a 6 month sentence and a pirate TV
viewer 2 years.
17. The prisoners strike and get to vote in elections!
18. The police stations have panic buttons to call armed
response when they are burgled
19. Police cars are fitted with immobilisers and gearlocks!
Jeez, SA doesn't sound like a very hospitable place. Are you sure I'll be safe when I visit?
Heh - that makes the very worst areas here in Milwaukee sound not all too bad in comparison...
Commissioner finally steps down as Scorpions reveal the full extent of their case against him
JACKIE Selebi will this week face criminal charges for taking money from Mafia kingpin Glenn Agliotti, fugitive Billy Rautenbach and slain mining magnate Brett Kebble.
Yesterday, President Thabo Mbeki announced that his beleaguered national police commissioner had stepped down after meeting with the leadership of the South African police.
Mbeki appointed Tim Williams, the deputy national commissioner for crime intelligence and detection, in the acting position.
A top official told the Sunday Times that Selebi had angered the government by initially defying presidential advice that he step aside, insisting that the National Prosecuting Authority “has no case” against him.
Instead, he went behind Mbeki’s back and launched an application to block the Scorpions’ investigation into his involvement with the underworld in SA and from arresting him.
The Scorpions will meet with Selebi’s legal team tomorrow to make arrangements on handing himself over to be charged.
Selebi’s court bid followed the controversial arrest of Scorpions advocate Gerrie Nel on charges of corruption and defeating the ends of justice in an unrelated case on Tuesday night. Nel is the Scorpions’ Gauteng head and heads the Selebi investigation.
Selebi’s court bid backfired, as it forced the Scorpions to reveal the full extent of their case against him. The man appointed by Mbeki to head the police in 2000 will now himself face charges of corruption and of defeating the ends of justice.
The National Prosecuting Authority is expected to hand Selebi a lengthy indictment this week, which covers an 18-month period during which he is alleged to have received “unauthorised gratification” from Agliotti. Some of the shocking allegations that Selebi will have to answer include:
# Asking Agliotti to give him R1-million in December 2004 as he was broke. Agliotti said he would make a plan but could not give it all to him at once. He later forked out R310000;
# Asking Agliotti for R30 000 so he could host a dinner in France to impress and lobby Interpol delegates to vote him into the top job;
# Meeting, in full uniform, the Swiss lawyer of fugitive Billy Rautenbach and promising to help cancel his international warrant of arrest. Rautenbach gave Agliotti 40000 to pay Selebi for getting the job done;
# That murdered mining tycoon Brett Kebble paid Agliotti R10-million for introducing him to Selebi;
# Accepting Gucci handbags that Agliotti bought for his wife and girlfriend, Ntombi Matshoba, in London and Sandton and a pair of leather shoes for Mbeki.
“I also know that he took one pair of shoes for the President, Thabo Mbeki, on my account. His shoe size is a 43 and he told [me] that the President had small feet which were broad and therefore he required a size 7 in a soft leather,” Agliotti said in a affidavit. “I have no personal relationship with the President and only bought the shoes because it enhanced my relationship with Jackie.”;
# That Agliotti paid him at least R1.2-million over a period of 18 months in exchange for favours; and
That he took between R5000 and R200 000 in cash payments from Agliotti whenever he was short of cash.
# All payments to Selebi were made through a shelf company, Springlights 6, which was set up to pay for work being done for the Kebbles.
Evidence submitted to court this week showed how the company’s bank statements, cheques and counterfoils listed payments to Selebi as “cash cop” and “cash chief”.
Selebi has repeatedly protested his innocence and said he had no knowledge that Agliotti was a criminal, and that they were not in regular contact.
However, the court papers paint another picture. Over a period of three and a half years, Selebi made 223 calls to Agliotti from his official cellphone — at least once a week. Agliotti’s phone records showed 62 calls made to Selebi over a six-month period in 2006 — an average of one call every three days.
In another affidavit presented in court on Friday, Selebi said that he had accepted an undertaking by the Scorpions that he would not be arrested, but instead be served with summons to appear in court.
In May last year, the suspended National Director of Public Prosecutions, Vusi Pikoli, in a top-secret report to Mbeki said they intended seeking a search warrant for documents and objects connected to their investigation.
The report also mentioned suspicious telephone calls between Selebi and people connected to the Kebble murder.
Pikoli said that an affidavit by Kebble security chief, Clint Nassif, spelt out the Kebble-Nassif- Agliotti-Selebi link. It showed how Selebi was used and played along to convince Kebble that Agliotti and Nassif were sufficiently connected and “protected” to conduct “dirty tricks”.
It also emerged that National Intelligence Agency (NIA) boss Manana Manzini played a key role in Selebi’s last-minute bid to derail the Scorpions case.
Agliotti claims Manzini and high-ranking police officials coerced him into signing an affidavit on January 4 2008 in which he denied paying bribes to Selebi.
He subsequently made another statement standing by his original statement to the Scorpions.
Yesterday, NIA spokesman Lorna Daniels confirmed that Manzini met with Agliotti, but said it was at the request of Agliotti, who had claimed he had information. — Additional reporting by Wisani waka Ngobeni, Mpumelelo Mkhabela and Dominic Mahlangu
_________________ Toe ek jonk was, het ek al die antwoorde geken. Nou verstaan ek nie eens die vrae nie.
9. If you live in Johannesburg, you get to brag about living in
the most dangerous city in the world.
10. Burglar bars become a feature, and a great selling point for
your house.
11. You can decorate your garden walls with barbed wire.
12. The tow-trucks are the first on the scene for most major
crimes, without being called.
The police you have to call about three times!
13. Votes have to be recounted until the right party wins.
14. Illegal immigrants leave the country because the crime rate
is too high.
15. The police ask you if they must follow up on the burglary you've just reported.
16. Where a murderer gets a 6 month sentence and a pirate TV
viewer 2 years.
17. The prisoners strike and get to vote in elections!
18. The police stations have panic buttons to call armed
response when they are burgled
19. Police cars are fitted with immobilisers and gearlocks!
Jeez, SA doesn't sound like a very hospitable place. Are you sure I'll be safe when I visit?
I must add that it sounds a lot worse than it really is. Certain areas of cities certainly have to be avoided, especially at night, but most areas are quite safe. The murder rate in Jo'burg is apparently the highest in the world, but it's mostly restricted to certain areas, and due to people getting drunk, fights breaking out, and people then killing each other. Not the areas were normal people (black and white) go... It's not as if we have daily shootouts. We do have a serious crime situation, but for the most life goes on normally. And yes, a visitor from overseas will be safe if that person adheres to advice on which areas to avoid. _________________ Toe ek jonk was, het ek al die antwoorde geken. Nou verstaan ek nie eens die vrae nie.
A remember seeing on some other forum a while ago a woman originally from South Africa who had moved to London a few years ago. She said that, since she'd been in London, she hadn't locked her front-door or her car, apparently because she assumed that it would be perfectly safe not to now that she was no-longer in South Africa.
A remember seeing on some other forum a while ago a woman originally from South Africa who had moved to London a few years ago. She said that, since she'd been in London, she hadn't locked her front-door or her car, apparently because she assumed that it would be perfectly safe not to now that she was no-longer in South Africa.
A bit of a fantasy. The only time in my life I nearly got mugged, was in London... Hysterical woman.... Probably never actually been a crime victim in SA, only read about it in newspapers.... I can't stand people like that, running away and then telling everyone how safe it is where she is now and how dangerous in SA. Yes, we have problems, but we're dealing with it. The fact that we have problems, doesn't make this a bad country. _________________ Toe ek jonk was, het ek al die antwoorde geken. Nou verstaan ek nie eens die vrae nie.
You know you're from Miami if you:
1. Don't know less than 20 Cubans
2. Frequently hear Spanglish and can name more than one Spanish-only establishment
3. Think 60 degrees counts as really fricken cold weather.
4. Have attended a hurricane party.
5. Either think Diversity = 55% Cuban, 45% White, 8% Black, 2% Other or know someone that does.
You know you're in the Bay Area if you:
1. Know only one or two people who grew up in the area. Everyone else is a transplant.
2. Have worked with an Asian engineer or have a neighbor who does.
3. Can drive past Google, Yahoo, Ebay, Apple or HP on a regular basis.
4. Think a single family home for 500k is a really cheap.
5. Realize most people talk in keywords: "Web 2.0, AJAX" etc without actually knowing what the hell they are talking about.
1. You can eat half dried meat and not be considered disgusting.
2. Nothing is your fault, you can blame it all on apartheid.
3. You get to buy a new car every 3 months and the insurance
company even pays for it.
4. You can experience '*/* service in eleven official languages.
5. Where else can you get oranges with 45% alcohol content at
rugby matches?
6. It's the only country in the world where striking workers
show how angry they are by dancing.
7. You're considered clumsy if you cannot: use a cell phone
(without car kit), change CDs, drink a beer, put on make-up, read the
newspaper and smoke, all at the same time while driving a car at 160 kph in a 60 kph zone.
8. Great accent. (!!!)
9. If you live in Johannesburg, you get to brag about living in
the most dangerous city in the world.
10. Burglar bars become a feature, and a great selling point for
your house.
11. You can decorate your garden walls with barbed wire.
12. The tow-trucks are the first on the scene for most major
crimes, without being called.
The police you have to call about three times!
13. Votes have to be recounted until the right party wins.
14. Illegal immigrants leave the country because the crime rate
is too high.
15. The police ask you if they must follow up on the burglary you've just reported.
16. Where a murderer gets a 6 month sentence and a pirate TV
viewer 2 years.
17. The prisoners strike and get to vote in elections!
18. The police stations have panic buttons to call armed
response when they are burgled
19. Police cars are fitted with immobilisers and gearlocks!
_________________ Toe ek jonk was, het ek al die antwoorde geken. Nou verstaan ek nie eens die vrae nie.
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